One of my biggest weaknesses is allowing myself to be vulnerable. I’ve gotten pretty darn good at building walls, at guarding myself. I do it without even recognizing that I’m doing it. It’s debilitating and honestly, it’s no way to live. Vulnerabilities may open ourselves up to pain, but building walls will close the door on a lot of joy.
But building walls is my achilles heel. And I did it again.
I wrote about our heartache with miscarriage here. And almost exactly one year later, we experienced another loss. This journey to expanding our family is a long story for another day but in short, I have always wanted more kids. That yearning just wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard I tried. But after that second loss, I came to terms with not having any more biological children. I was convinced that between my age and my diabetes we had waited too long, my body could no longer do what it once could. And I came to peace with that. Finally. At least I thought I did.
But the story didn’t end where I thought it would. Before we had a chance for a little procedure to close that door for good, we found out we were pregnant again. And I built a wall.
I truly didn’t think I would be able to carry this baby past 13 weeks. And I told myself I was ok with that. It was probably for the best………
What I didn’t even realize until later is that I was doing that wall-building thing again. With the first loss, I was at my 12-week appointment when they told me there was no longer a heartbeat. The baby was measuring 9 weeks. So this time around when I went in for a sonogram at 9 weeks I was most definitely guarded. I didn’t expect good news. But as soon as I heard that thump, thump on the monitor, before the technician could say a word about the heartbeat, I burst into tears. Tears of relief. So much fear and hesitation I didn’t even know I was holding in. But despite realizing just how relieved I was, I remained guarded. I had 4 weeks to go if I was going to make it to the second trimester. A little hope was starting to peek through, the wall was weak, but it was still there.
I nearly lost it in church one day as a song reminded me of a moment in the months following the first loss. I thought that pregnancy had been an answer to a prayer, in my confusion of what now? What was that supposed to mean? Why do I still have this longing if this is it…….in the midst of all my confusion and uncertainty I closed my eyes and surrendered it to God. In my mind’s eye, I literally gathered up my longing to bear another child and handed it over to a God who tenderly took all that longing and brokenness in His own hands. Here it is Jesus. Take it from me and do with it what you will.
We had another sonogram at my 12-week appointment…..and there was still a heartbeat And a very active little baby wiggling around like crazy. That moment right there was when she flooded my heart with a love so big, no wall stood a chance. Of course I still wanted another baby. God had put that longing in my heart for a reason. It was never really gone, my pain just didn’t allow it to surface anymore. But the wall was finally down.
And it was in that place that this piece came from. The opening up to the hope and vulnerability of carrying another child. The surrendering that came with handing it over. So here I am, completely open to the vulnerability of deeply wanting this child, hoping for a healthy baby. Content that the Lord holds my brokenness with tender hands. When I created this I had made it past 13 weeks, but we hadn’t told many people outside of family. The vulnerability was still raw, I was reluctant to make any announcements. But my faith, and this long-awaited heart’s desire is in His hands and I have complete trust in that.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” – Luke 1:45